


lost and found

by kub_mor



Category: Snowpiercer (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25548628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kub_mor/pseuds/kub_mor
Summary: Audrey confronts Melanie about the secrets she's hiding.
Relationships: Melanie Cavill/Miss Audrey
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	lost and found

**Author's Note:**

> \- pre and post canon  
> \- do not own any characters or the show  
> \- first story in English ever, sorry for any mistakes 
> 
> hope you'll like it ♥

When they first met, she couldn't even imagine that their lives would be like this. It was more like surviving, but still they managed to stick together. As friends and even a bit more. They thought nobody wanted to be the first to admit it in the real world and now when it looked more like fighting with nature, it all came at the background.

At the very beginning the order of Mr.Wilford required all the strength and it took even more time now when they were moving. So their meetings were cut short.

“I don't even know you now!” cried Audrey looking at Melanie's back when she was stepping out of the Nightcar. “Go, as you always do.”

Melanie stopped and turned back. The words were harsh and she really hoped that Audrey didn't mean it. Deep inside she heard her heart sank every time she had to return to work. Yeah, she would do a lot just to stay here and enjoy the quiet moments of a peaceful night, here, letting Audrey calm down all the bad thoughts that were occupying her mind more often now.

And she couldn't.

“The train needs me.”

Such a blatant excuse.

She heard the sign that was left from Audrey’s lips. She knew what was coming next, what Audrey would say and how strong would be the pain in her shaken voice.

And Melanie felt the same.

She was so exhausted, but the problems of the engine took all her mind. So it was difficult even to imagine the rest. She needed sleep, she knew it for sure, but when she finally would stumble to bed, the organism was so torn between all the troubles that she couldn't sleep.

She was sure that there were heavy bags under her eyes, and she couldn't help it.

“We are the last piece of human race and we are trying to save every bit of it,” she started saying feeling even more tired. They seemed to having this conversation over and over again. Her voice was trembling and she almost felt the tears dwelling in her eyes. So she turned away looking again at the entrance just not to let Audrey see her real state.

It never worked.

Audrey knew her so well and at the same time didn’t know at all. And Melanie… She didn’t even know how to start.

“And why wouldn't you let me care for you then?” suddenly Audrey's voice was too close and made Melanie turn again. She thought the ice would melt under such persistent gaze, Melanie didn't even realize when she had moved so close to her. She hold her breath and knock her head a little.

“Audrey…”

“Don't tell me you don't need it, Melanie. I can see it from your own posture, the way you're trying to hold yourself. You are struggling to give any emotions and to open up but never forget who won the poker game when we first met. I read you like a book and I know you too well.”

As the word slipped through her mouth, Audrey came closer touching Melanie’s cheek and watching her close her eyes at the action.

She was falling.

Melanie could definitely felt it. If Audrey pushed her more, she would break down right in front of her. She didn't want it. She needed to be strong for all the people that were relying on her. She sacrificed so much for this. So it would be stupid to let everyone down.

“I need to go,” she broke the contact stepping back. She wanted to go, she needed it because one more moment under these persistent eyes and she would reveal everything that bothered her.

Audrey was shaking her head in disbelief. She knew Melanie was on the edge. She could see it in her every movement, her pain and exhaustion, but she couldn't quite understand why she was closing herself, especially with her.

“You must be an indispensable worker as Mr.Wilford can’t be even a day without you. Is there something else I need to know?” she didn't want it to sound that way, but it did.

Audrey felt her heart aching when she heard Melanie chuckled, such bitter and desperate sound that took her breath away.

Melanie looked like she was hit she was shaking, her fingers trembled. And she found it hard to breathe. She didn't know how to answer that.

_“I am Mr.Wilford.”_ was ready to leave her tongue but never did. Of course, it would be much easier to confess Audrey and to let the hell broke down. She had so much to tell, about Wilford, their life, their daughter. Remembering the little girl she left behind, she felt her heart was in agony. She just couldn’t do it, couldn’t relive everything that was so sore and bring so much pain.

Melanie shut her eyes just for a second. No more tears, not here. She didn't want to take such a risk as the surviving of the whole human being was on her shoulders, so she couldn't do it. She knew exactly what she had chosen and all the other options should be grieved alone. And Audrey deserved mush more better. She couldn't feel that way.

“Melanie, I didn't mean that,” Audrey started speaking when she saw how painful expression on the woman's face turned to indifferent. She was taken aback.

“Good night, Audrey,” her voice sounded miles away when Melanie turn to the door and pressed the palm to the opening scan.

Audrey wanted to reach to her, grab her wrist and look at her eyes, see that there was still something to hold on. And she couldn't move. The words were like slap meaning no harm and breaking everything inside that had left.

Audrey couldn't remember the moment when her knees hit the floor and the small whimper came out of her mouth. The tears were falling down her cheeks.

She lost her.

* * *

“Why didn't you tell me?” the question hang in the air when she found Melanie at the bar with a glass of something from the old world. She could smell the bitter flavor of the drink just as well as see how stressed her new customer looked.

“What would it have changed?” asked Melanie looking straight at Audrey, her eyes never leaving as the woman came closer and sat near her.

“Nothing.” she answered covering her hand with her own. “And everything.”

Melanie sipped the drink, everything seemed so quiet that nothing could say that there was a rebel a few hours ago or that she almost died. She instinctively shivered at the memory of cold air ripping its way to her lungs. Fingers touched the neck like she wanted to make sure that nothing was there.

“Hey…”

Audrey’s grip was firm.

“I’m not good at predicting things, Audrey,” she looked at her eyes and didn’t know what wanted to find there.

“And you were the only one who kept all of us alive,” Audrey said, never looking away from her. She could feel the desperate wish to say it and to be here now. She perfectly knew that all the classes were celebrating now, the freedom, new forms of rules and everything they were so eager to achieve. And she still was there. In the Nightcar. She knew Melanie would show up, but she couldn’t stop herself for being here for her.

They seemed to be miles apart. Even years. Still Audrey somehow knew that there was only one step between them.

_“Melanie Cavill is Mr.Wilford,”_ Layton’s words echoed in her mind since then and she couldn’t just get rid of them because at first time in her life in this train she seemed to understand Melanie’s actions. Yeah, they needed revolutions, they needed new order and new rules, Audrey knew what game she was playing, but she couldn’t deny the fact that Melanie was the only reason they were still alive. It was so much easier to blame Wilford for everything. But could she blame Melanie?

She didn’t know the answer.

“Come,” she said without any other words and stood up. She never left her hand just tightened her grip.

Melanie looked at her in question and signed, she didn’t want to argue. The exhaustion hit like a wave in the sea, and when Melanie was up, first, she thought that she was drowning. She just wanted to rest, close her eyes and pretend being in the sea, salt water around, floating.

Melanie didn’t notice how Audrey led her to the room and closed the door behind them. They were surrounded by darkness that soon turned into the walls of water that cast a light on the sofa in the middle of the room.

“Sit,” Audrey’s voice sounded like a whisper and Melanie was so tired to resist. She didn’t want to, not after everything they both had gone through. She sat and looked at the water, so calm and beautiful.

“Listen,” Audrey stepped closer, her hands on the shoulders, squeezing slightly. Her fingers touched her hair, stroking it as if trying to calm the storm that was raging inside her.

Melanie melted at the touch and closed her eyes.

“I’m so tired, Audrey,” she finally said the truth that was with her so many years. She could almost feel the weight on her shoulders growing heavier, as if she couldn't shake it off. Melanie didn't know how, couldn't allow herself to breathe. But now, after the rebellion, as if those chains were no longer there, she felt free for the first time. And the weariness of all the years of lying, killing, and tricks flooded her.

“I know,” Audrey was sitting next to her now. They had so much to tell each other and Audrey wanted to hear everything. But now, looking into those sad eyes that seemed to reflect the pain of the whole world, no words were needed. She knew they would have time for everything.

“I’m so sorry…” Melanie’s voice trembled and she couldn’t help the tears falling down her cheeks. The emptiness inside her was overtaking, and she had lost so much that she didn't know if it was possible to make up for it. And now, sitting next to Audrey, Melanie wanted to say something, to apologize for everything that could not be forgiven. She just had to.

The light touch on her cheek made her open her watery eyes. Audrey’s fingers were soft upon her skin wiping her tears away.

That only made her cry harder because of all people she knew exactly that she didn’t deserve Audrey. Not after everything. She was so messed up. Melanie tried to back away but Audrey didn’t let her. She hugged Melanie as hard as she could, feeling the woman in her arms stiffen from such a contact. But she didn't care. She wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

Melanie cried feeling the waves of exhaustion finally hit her with all their forces. She made so many mistakes, one worse than another, and she didn’t know how to live with them. Surviving was easier. But now she didn’t have it. Yet she was clinging to Audrey as if her life depended on it.

Such a bitter irony.

Melanie heard Audrey’s whisper but it was so difficult to distinguish the words. The head was pounding and she shut her eyes tight wishing the pain would go away.

“I got you,” Audrey repeated over and over again stroking her hair and back. They had so much to tell, she could blame her later but now, having the suffering woman in her arms, Audrey was sure about one thing. She wouldn’t let Melanie go.

“I got you.”

She wouldn’t lose her. 


End file.
